Connection: It’s up to you.

As we got to our seats, I noticed there were more people in the group than normal and I got excited to connect with people I hadn’t seen in awhile. We quickly gave hugs and kisses, high fives and fist bumps. As the game started we chatted about the team and the opponents and started to catch up.

I was happy to be sitting by my husband on one side and my friend on another. As the team ran up and down the court, I asked about work and travel? Her kids and their last trip? I listened to the answers and took the opportunity to dive deeper where it felt appropriate and then nothing. No questions about my life. No inquiry about our kids. Next thing I knew she was talking to the rest of the group and pointing out people we all had in common and I was left sitting there feeling so completely alone.

My first response was to look at myself and try to figure out what I had done wrong in the interaction to be feeling the way I was. I said to myself, “Why do you always do this–you shouldn’t even bother coming, no one wants you here.”

And then I stopped. I took a deep breath and I coached myself through the moment.

The connection I was seeking was up to me. I need to read the room. I need to ask for what I want and I need to be confident in our relationship enough to deepen it. Let me explain.

I absolutely asked the right questions and got the answers I was seeking but I could have gone further, I could have shared a story and engaged in a deeper way.

Rather than saying, “How was your latest work trip?” which is a boring, surface level, and repetitive question that turns into a “So, how are you?” when you ask it over and over again, I could have said, “I remember you saying that this trip you were meeting after the reorganization, how was that?” I would be asking for a deeper answer and my friend would be reminded that I’m interested and would be able to really share about what was going on in her life rather than a pat answer.

I could also read the room. Was a deep conversation the thing that was needed at a basketball game or could I set up time for the two of us to connect over a glass of wine later in the weekend?

We can’t be everything to everyone and neither can our friends. We have to set ourselves up to be successful. And we have to recognize when what we want is at odds with what is happening around us. If I wanted a deep connection, I needed to ask for it and then if my friend had the time, space, bandwidth, empathy potential and focus–we could have gone there.

What most of us do, myself included, is we internalize that it is about something in us that is unloveable when really we are just not matching the time and space we are in. It is natural and it is something we can overcome.

For me I over-index on trying to connect upfront and then I burn out. It comes from my childhood–being a product of divorce. When my dad would pick me up on weekends I felt like I had a limited window of time to hold his attention. I would blurt it all out and if he was in a mood to receive it, our conversation continued but if he had shot a poor round of golf or if he was arguing with my step mother he rebuffed me and I shut down.

Easier to be quiet than to connect. I still do it. It isn’t my favorite thing about me but I come by it naturally. And it takes work to not go to that default.

How about you? What habits get in the way of connection for you?

• Do you expect others to read your mind?

• Do you wait for them to call first?

• Do you leave hints and feel frustrated when they miss them?

• Or is it something subtler—like checking your phone during conversations or seeming distracted?

The small moments add up. And they create the spaces where we either connect—or miss each other.

In my work with families, we often talk about bids for connection—a concept that shows up in friendships too. Most arguments, most fractures, begin with missed bids.

A bid is simply someone asking for your attention—sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly. How you respond shapes the relationship. (If you want to dive deeper into this idea, you can read more here.)

In a world full of highly distracted humans, owning your need for connection is powerful. When you’re clear about how you want to connect, you can ask for it more directly. When you’re not getting the connection you need, you can reflect on how you're showing up—and adjust. You can break old patterns and create deeper bonds.

It sounds easy. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it’s a lifetime of work.

If you need support, therapists and coaches have tools. We can help.

The first step is simple: Recognize that you want connection. It is up to you.