In confidence.

First you need to know that I have some issues I’m working through with my parenting. Not, my parenting, but how I was parented.

My parents split up when I was a baby. I have no recollection of an easy childhood. It is always fraught. And my trauma response is to fawn.

Oh, how I wish it was to fight. It seems so much better to just get pissed. Or even better, how about to run away. Flight seems like a gift. Even freezing would be better than how I’ve spent my life—fawning. Trying to fix it for the aggressor. It sucks. Someone can say something and I can believe in the bottom of my feet that they are 100% wrong and I’ll find a way to meet them halfway without telling them they are a complete dolt.

It happens mostly in power dynamics. When someone holds sway over me, I can acquiesce, agree without wanting to, put them on a pedestal and turn myself inside out trying to please them.

I hate it.

I’ve gotten to the point after much therapy and support that I can create better boundaries, hold my own opinions and even disagree. I have come a long way.

Now, I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. I am not a push over. In fact, many people would be shocked to read such things about me because I can be brash, strong, demanding. I’d argue that is a part of the whole thing as well, but the fawning usually only happens when I’m afraid to lose the attention or regard of the person in power. If I’m in control, I tend to be able to make it through a day just fine.

Except, when I care deeply about a person or a topic or especially when doing the right thing is on the line.

Maybe an example is in order.

I had a boss once that reminded me of my biological dad. The same build, the same temperament, the same size hands. The hands matter to me because I watch them to ensure they don’t become fists; when that happens you have to fawn faster and better so I’m hyper alert.

So this boss is explaining to me that there are a couple of people on staff who have lost faith in me as a leader because they don’t trust me. Well, I take this personally because I know that my team is supportive of the decisions I make and I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t trust their leader.

But at the same time, I’m scared, this person of authority is threatening my well being, my approach, my livelihood even.

I go into classic fawn mode and try to ask what I need to change, how I need to respond, what I need to do to gain their favor back.

He, I think, is taken aback because he thinks he is being clear and I’m asking a thousand questions. He finally says, “Trust means you do what you say you are going to do. Okay?”

I say, “yah, I get that.” And I think I do.

I do say what I’m going to do and I do what I say. I have high expectations, students come first, parents are encouraged to talk to me, and when necessary I’ll bring everyone together to talk through issues. I’ve never said I was going to be somewhere and not show up (at least in a work setting), I’ve never overlooked bad behavior and not addressed it or tried to address it. But then today in the car, I realized what I had done to break trust.

Now, mind you, it has been easily 10 years ago but it just dawned on me.

So, imagine this scenario. We are driving in the car and one of my children is stressed out. I’m there to be the comfort. (Probably our first mistake.)

I then offer some feedback that is not taken well and he asks a pointed question and if I were to answer it plainly I might be saying something that was told to me in confidence by another kid. Or it is something that my husband and I talked about. Or it was a thought I alone had had. And it wasn’t helpful or useful in the moment.

I felt the fawning coming. I recognized it because the way my body reacted. My throat felt weird, I took a long breath, I chose my words carefully.

I was able to see the full situation and know what was needed and what wasn’t in that moment. And I was able to pivot.

In my past, say the example before with the dad-boss, I would say anything to make that uneasy feeling go away. I might overshare or even break a confidence because I wanted the awkward feeling to be better. I wanted the risk, pain, or fear to go away.

So in that moment I was taken back to his comment about trust. And had I ever said anything that I said I wouldn’t repeat? Hmm. Maybe.

Is there something about trust that when we share our ideas that we think another will hold them as carefully as we would. Was there someone on the staff that thought they had asked for their words to be held in confidence and I didn’t do that. That would be a break in trust. Wouldn’t it?

But what is interesting about me is that I really try not to keep anything in confidence. I want ideas to be shared, built upon. I try not to gossip. When someone shares something about a colleague I use it to form my own ideas and relationships. But I can see now where others do it differently.

I had someone tell me the other day to watch my back, be careful what I say. I wanted to pack my bag and run far away from that because I believe that nothing good comes from secrets.

But also, taking care of others means some times not saying the hardest of truths until you can say it in a way that can be heard is the better road.

I have no idea if any of this is tying together in your mind but for me it was such a revelation to realize that the trust I had broken so many years ago was because I shared someone else’s thoughts to get myself out of hot water.

And now I was choosing thoughts to keep the hot water at bay.

I’m pretty happy with the way I’m taming some of my triggers.

With that said, I also think that former boss could have been less cryptic. Clear is kind. But maybe I still wouldn’t have been able to figure it out until now. Who knows?

For that team so many years ago, I think what I’ve learned is to hold a better boundary, to notice when others might share more than they want and I move away from that so that when I share it is coming from me and not as a proxy. I will still call out injustice but I’ll do it in a way that I can stand behind it and not use what others have said in confidence as my evidence.

Thanks for riding my roller coaster with me today!