That is Not My Responsibility
We went to Italy this fall. It was everything I wanted it to be and if I could go back right this very moment, I would. The food, the weather, the company, the views, every single thing was incredible. And I planned nothing.
I am a planner, an organizer, a hustler. I don’t want to be but my internal systems are wired to keep me safe by producing, planning, supervising, controlling even. And this trip was nothing of that.
My dear friend, Suzy, and her remarkable partner, Jeanette, run these walking tours of Europe. They have been doing it now for almost a decade and they are fabulous. I got to join in one other time and meet the most unique and deeply kind people. Because their groups are small you actually get to build relationships. I love relationships.
And they plan everything. You also have plenty of time to do things on your own but nothing is obligated or stressful. I embraced their ownership of my days and let the trip be what it was supposed to be. And even with that when we arrived there were at least two times where Suzy said, “This is not your responsibility,” or, “You don’t need to worry about this.”
I don’t know if that comes from a lifetime of knowing me or if there are so many people who are like me that go on their trips but I feel like it was such a gift to hear those words.
I mentioned it to my cute husband and he said he noticed it as well and if fact worried a little bit that maybe she would piss me off but he watched and I relaxed. I said it did make me emotional at one point and I think I shut down. He confirmed that I had. I had to go back to that moment to figure it out and maybe I shut down but I think more accurate would be that I slowed down, I turned something off. I wasn’t mad about it, it was like permission. And a permission I had to think about.
Was she saying it because I had overstepped? Was she saying it because she saw something spinning up in me? Did she just say it because she has learned that people need to hear it? I could have asked her but it was more important that I figure out my reaction.
You see, I’m at an interesting inflection in my career. I have taken a job that while important does not tax me and allows time for my writing. This is what I have dreamt of, worked towards and now have; and yet, I feel like I should and could be doing more.
As a teacher and principal there was never down time, I still found time to write and create but it was taxing. It took something from me that I’m still trying to get back.
While striving I always wanted to be recognized for a job well done, I wanted to matter to people. I wanted them to say, “Wow, we couldn’t have done that without you.” And when they did I wanted to do it even more so I could get the rush of being indispensable. Because for someone who has been or felt abandoned, being indispensable is key. It is how I locate myself on the map.
Being responsible, making the plan, owning the day, deciding are all in service of recognition. I frame it as being someone who sees a need. Someone who can look at systems and see how they need to be fixed, improved, changed. While those are my skills when I do them when they are not my responsibility they can create conflict both internally and externally.
At work, I can offend others because they may see it as disrespectful, akin to saying I don’t think they are doing it right or well. And I don’t believe there is one right way, just a perspective that I have about how it could be done. Almost never a judgment, but an offering, a way to achieve something greater by making small changes over time, or big changes to big things—my desire to help knows no bounds.
Some of the biggest fights in my family have come from the idea that I want things to be a certain way. I’ve heard my husband say, I know you have a plan in your head about how it should go and if you would just share that then we could do it your way. I know it feels like that and did in a big way when the kids were small but it wasn’t so much about it being a right way as much as it was a way that made me feel like I was doing what was expected of me. I felt like I was supposed to be the one with the plan and when I didn’t I would panic and cover with a 20 point plan.
Just this Christmas, I had a really hard couple of days with our son because there was no plan and I felt like it was my responsibility to make the plan but I was trying so hard to honor his ideas that we were at a stalemate and both miserable.
Hearing Suzy’s voice say, “this is not your responsibility” is now a mantra. But one that I need to share because patterns are hard to break and if I have been the one shouldering the responsibility and I am no longer doing that—then someone else can or should or don’t have to. When it really isn’t mine, I won’t, don’t or can’t care about the outcome. Not that I don’t engage, but I don’t take it on as mine.
For me, it is accepting that I have priorities in my life for my work and my time that are important and powerful and my responsibility and when I choose to overextend into things that are not my responsibility I am actually doing harm to myself and my goals and desires. It is flipping the narrative and it is going to take practice. So for now, I have written it on a post it and put it as a note in my phone. It is not my responsibility.
I’m sure I’m not alone in this. I wonder what you should be setting down or letting go in this moment? What isn’t your responsibility that you are still doing?
