It Takes Actual Limes

We have a favorite restaurant. They serve the best tacos I have ever eaten, even better than in Mexico. Alongside the tacos, they serve margaritas. Sometimes, most times, when we go in I order two margaritas because it takes them longer to make the tequila drinks than to make the tacos. Tim orders a beer so I assume they think I’m getting one for each of us, but I’m not, both are for me. He might get a sip. Sometimes we like to have margaritas at home and instead of a sip, Tim wants his own, so he has perfected the recipe. It calls for lime juice.

While Cooper was in town, I mentioned that Tim makes the best margarita I’ve ever had. Even better than Tacos Chello.

I said, he just needs limes.

And Cooper like any good son, goes to the store to get the materials to cook dinner and comes home with six limes.

As we make our way through the day ever closer to when Tim gets home from work, Cooper starts to get nervous.

“Is six limes going to be enough?”

I say, “I don’t know. I don’t pay attention but I feel like it might be too few.”

“Good information to have before I went to the store, mom.”

Indeed. I can’t argue with him.

Tim arrives home from work and just like all the other summer days when we’ve been waiting for his return, we bombard him with our attention.

Hey honey, how many limes would you buy if you were going to make us drinks?

As he takes his shoes off and moves to bartender mode even though we have only been sitting on the couch all day; he says eight. My eyes go big and I pick up my phone immediately seeing if there is a substitute for limes that we can use for the margarita recipe. Cooper just looks at me. Disappointed and with a little shake of the head. I’m familiar with the look.

At that very moment, Mason emerges from his 17 year old fortress of solitude and asks if he can run to the story to buy a two liter of soda. I’m safed!

“Yes, as long as you get limes–buy a dozen.”

He does and Tim starts to juice the limes we already have to make our drinks.

Life is like that sometimes, you get something in your head that you want. And then because maybe you screwed up in the past, you get more than you need so you don’t run out. Maybe you even hoard it a little. You might fake it and try to create it out of nothing. Sometimes you get stuck and just don’t know what you need to quite get it done, but when you enlist help it can turn out the way you envisioned it. I think friendship is like this, too.

When I’m ready for it, I can double down, I can spend the time, I can invest, I can be dedicated to the process. I show up and order two because I know I’ll be there for awhile, I have time to invest; but there are other times when I don’t even go to tacos, I don’t show up for my friends. I claim to be an introvert but really it is very situational. If I feel like it, I do a great job in the world as an extrovert, but if I’m busy or tired, or stressed or overwhelmed, I shut off, I pull back.

I can talk about friendship all the time, I know what is required, I know the recipe, you give and take, you show up and you let others show up for you. But like with the limes, I habitually underestimate what I need in the situation.

I often think I can get by with a phone call or a text when really a visit is needed, When I ask others what is actually required and they know better than I do, I immediately look for a short cut or an alternative rather than just getting my ass of the couch and going to get more limes. I figure I can cheat the system. It will be fine, we can go to dinner next week, or I can show up late, or they won’t even notice if we aren’t there.

But I still want the margarita or the connection.

And when someone offers a life line, I jump at the chance, go, yes, get more, or yes, come with me, come alongside, talk to them with me.

I know friendship is not taco tuesday but I have learned that it can be just as fun, if you show up the right way, if you see what is required, if you prepare ahead, if you understand what you show up with and what you need versus just winging it.

What I need to learn mostly is that there isn’t always a substitute for spending time, engaging in conversation, doing the real work of friendships, sometimes it takes actual limes.

Friendship isn’t built on good intentions. It isn’t built on knowing the recipe or talking about connection. It’s built the same way margaritas are built: by gathering what is needed and showing up with it.

Sometimes that means a phone call. Sometimes it means dinner. Sometimes it means sitting beside someone when neither of you knows what to say.

And sometimes, no matter how much we’d like a shortcut, it takes actual limes.

Make the time this week to reach out to that one friend that needs you to show up better than you usually do.